Wednesday, October 19, 2011

My own Halloween horror story

This is my own Halloween Horror Story.......
complete with monsters, victims, 
the lone survivor at the end

I am the survivor, the survivor at the end of the movie that gets away..but it doesn't feel like I've gotten away.

Not a day goes by without the same story running through my mind.

A monster came along and took my best friend. Not just any best friend, my other half, that person you can't imagine living without...that indescribably person in your life.
That indescribable person is no longer at my side in the journey we were taking together.
I am the person at the end of the movie, the movie that never ends in their head.
The feeling of a heavy heart that never goes away.
It hurts...........
It runs through my mind every night.
In my dreams.
It plays in my head all the time.

This year, this year was different. I did not have that feeling of weakness, I had anger. Anger because it could of all been prevented.........

Every photo I see, every laughter I hear, every wedding I attend, every party I go too there is angry, there is a heavy broken heart, there is sadness, sadness behind eyes I try to make look happy.

Sometimes I catch myself looking just a second to long at others. Wanting what they have.  Holding back tears because that person isn't there to have a moment like that. To stand by my side when I get married. To laugh at years gone by. To see my first born. To be there when I'm old and gray, old and gray like it was promised. All these promises gone, gone in a blink of an eye when it all didn't have to happen this way.

I'm afraid of things that go bump in the night...and day
I'm afraid to get close to others
I'm always comparing
I'm always running away

I have a story inside my story that many don't know about. The wounds are deep. Wounds that won't heel.
When the leaves change and the cool air comes, my mind wonders. It wonders away to the most horrific events in my life all wrapped up in one month, in one year.

In five days I will be standing outside my parents house like I always done. Praying, crying, wishing for the rain to stop. Rain that comes every year. Just for a second so I can give you my present.
So I can send my letter to you tied neatly on balloons. A letter just like we used to give each other every day.

In two day I'll be making the same wish  I make every year. The only wish that ever matters to me. That wish every year you have somehow shown me. Days after your death my mother told me not to waste a wish.
I'm so happy I didn't waste my wish for that year.
You showed up like you promised. A promise that never leaves my mind.
The promise of always being there no matter how far away we were.
Every year I wish again and again............

 My love is undying for you
My love is indescribable for you
My love, you are my everything
I love you Cindy


  1. I wish I could hug you. i won't say i understand because i have never felt a loss as great as this one. You are in my thoughts, my prayers, my love is with you. If you ever need a shoulder, though mine is small, it is here. Tears welcome. Call me if you need anything. 2404319191. I love you.

  2. Coffee w/powerful tears. Yesterday when I woke up so early, all I could think of was Cindy and how horrible it all was. I replayed everything in my head and it just blew me away....again. I jumped out of my bed to try to get rid of the thoughts. I was gratefull. Selfishly gratefull, that I had you. And that by a twisted turn of fate..or should I say-"a greater plan" were not part of that night as had been planned. I will never forget that call. Never forget my screams. Never forget the sight of you walking home from the bus stop, knowing what I had to tell you. Never forget the moment that I did, nor your complete disbelief after I told you. It was as if you never heard a word I said, asking will she be alright. Or that moment that you finally "understood" in your confusion. I am so very proud of how you have dealt with this. You are still and always will be greiving, but coming to grips with it. What a beautiful soul Cindy was, I know I told you how much I enjoyed her. I can still see her in my kitchen with you as if it were yesterday. Just remember little mermaid......."Things happen for a reason". She will forever be in your heart. And someday - perhaps you will name your little girl after her. I love you Shelda. Remember, you YOU made her world a better place.